You are asking, “It feels so hopeless….” Not yet; otherwise even this question would not have arisen. There is still hope. You say, “I feel ashamed to have been a sannyasin for ten years, and still be in this state.” That is your ego feeling hurt; otherwise you would feel humble, not ashamed. What is there to be ashamed of?
Life is not a small thing. It is so vast, and we are so small. The ocean is so big, and we have to swim in it just with our own small hands. Only those people who never start swimming and go on standing on the bank looking at others, should feel ashamed. One who has started swimming…ten years is nothing much, even ten lives are short.
One should be so patient. It is your impatience that is feeling ashamed; it is your ego that is feeling ashamed. You should feel humble – humble before the vastness of existence, humble before the mysteries of life…just humble, a nobody. And in that humbleness, the ocean becomes small and your hands become bigger.
You say, “I hesitate to ask for your help….”
You go on saying things which you don’t mean. If you really hesitate, then why are you asking? In fact, hesitation is your question. You should ask a little more so that you can open up, so that you can become more exposed. Don’t go on hiding yourself. What is the hesitation in asking? And you go on rationalizing everything within yourself; you have rationalized your hesitation.
Everybody hesitates to ask, and the reason and the rationalization are two different things. The reason for feeling hesitation is that one does not want to show one’s ignorance, and every question shows your ignorance. One hopes that some other stupid person is going to ask the question, just wait…because the human reality is one, and human problems are one, and the search for oneself is one. So some day somebody is going to ask the question that you cannot gather courage to ask yourself.
But I want you to remember that even in asking there is something valuable. In asking, you are exposing your ignorance; in asking, you are accepting that you don’t know; in asking, you are dropping your so-called knowledgeability.
To ask a question is more important than the question itself. The question may be anything – xyz – but the very asking is significant. It brings you closer to me, and it brings you closer to all other sannyasins, the fellow travelers. You don’t remain closed, afraid that somebody may know that you know not. Exposing yourself – that you are ignorant – all fear disappears. You become more human, and you become more intimate with everyone who is a fellow traveler, because the same is his situation. That is the reason why one hesitates.
But rationalizations are a totally different thing. You rationalize that, “I hesitate to ask for your help because even your words become mechanical in me after a few repetitions.”