The priest said, “Don’t be worried. I am coming with you and I will tell your husband when he comes home, very slowly, slowly, ‘You have won one lakh rupees.’ When I see that he has absorbed that, I will tell him, ‘In fact, you have won two lakh rupees.’ And when I see he has absorbed that and is still alive, then I will say, ‘You have really won three lakh rupees.’ Slowly, slowly I will reveal the whole truth about the twenty-five lakh rupees.”
The wife said, “If you can save his life, I will give one lakh rupees to the church.” And the priest said, “One lakh rupees?” And he dropped flat on the earth, dead! He had never hoped that anybody was going to give him one lakh rupees.
Anything for which you are not prepared – it may be bliss, it may be joy – will be so intense in the beginning that it is bound to appear just like pain. You are well-acquainted with pain – you know it; that is the closest experience.
When love comes to you without asking, and when love comes from a source which you have never expected, never thought of, never hoped for, you never had the idea that you deserve it or you are worthy of it…. When it is a relationship, it is a very superficial phenomenon. But when you come across somebody who is love, the whole ocean has poured into your heart. It feels as if you are bursting, dying. It is immensely painful. But at the same time you can feel the distinction. It is very close to pain, but it is not pain.
Your being understands things which your mind does not understand.
Experiences come that your mind will say are painful, but your being will not accept this, because it is not pain, it is too much blissfulness. The problem is that you are not accustomed to so much love, so much joy; hence on the one hand you feel pain, that is the interpretation of your mind, and on the other hand you feel gratitude – that is the interpretation of your being.
Whenever there is any conflict between your mind and your being trust the being, because the being is vast and can understand experiences which the mind is incapable of. The mind is a small entity; your being is as vast as the whole universe. If you go on listening to your being and not paying attention to the mind, slowly, slowly you will see, pain has disappeared. The pain is the intensity of joy, it is too much joy, and you have to make space for it.
Hence my insistence that if you continue to meditate – and meditation and love happen together to you – there will be no pain at all. Meditation makes your consciousness wider, expands it, makes it as big as the sky. It can contain infinite love, infinite joy.
Your meditation is not yet so vast. But I am helpless. I cannot give you love in installments according to your capacity; I can give you only my undivided wholeness. You have to be prepared. Your pain shows your unpreparedness, but your gratitude shows that you are capable of being prepared. Just a little meditation, just a little more silence, just a little more serenity and you will be able to dance with joy. The more intense the joy is, the greater will be the dance.
You have also raised a very significant question: “Suddenly I see that there has been this fear my whole life not to be part of it, not to belong, not to be in your family. Is it possible that I am already in it?”