I sometimes fail to watch my mind with detachment. Indeed, I sometimes revel in adding juicy tidbits to my otherwise unguided fantasies just for the fun of it. This does help me to shed more light on my desires, but I sometimes wonder if I didn’t get lost in the movie somewhere along the line. And still haven’t found my way back out. That is, if I was ever outside in the first place. Beloved Osho, could you please speak on the foibles of finding the workings of one’s own mind a form of entertainment?
You are saying, “I sometimes fail to watch my mind with detachment.” It means more often you do not fail; but the truth is, if you succeed even one time to watch the mind, then you cannot fail. So it is a misunderstanding on your part that you fail sometimes; you fail all times. Sometimes, when you think you have succeeded in watching, that too is only a thought, not a witness.
I can remind you – many times, in sleep you can dream you are awake. There is no problem in it, only in the morning when you will really be awake, then you will see the difference – that the dream can manage to give you the feeling that you are awake. It is only a dream awakening, not a true authentic awareness.
I can say it with absolute authority, because once you know the witness, there is no way to lose it, even if you want. Once you have become a watcher of your mind, then all these rationalizations that you are giving in your question will not be needed. As the watcher becomes more and more crystallized, dreams disappear.
But you are saying, “Indeed, I sometimes revel in adding juicy tidbits to my otherwise unguided fantasies just for the fun of it.” These are rationalizations. When you are dreaming you cannot add anything to your dream, you cannot add juicy tidbits. You are fast asleep. Your fantasies are going to remain unguided, because the guide is no longer there, not yet at least.
But this is the cunningness of the mind, that it may even console you that you are fully aware – not only aware, but you are guiding your fantasies just for the fun of it. And it becomes clear in your question: “This does help me to shed more light on my desires, but I sometimes wonder if I didn’t get lost in the movie somewhere along the line, and still haven’t found my way back out. That is, if I was ever outside in the first place.”
You also have suspicions about your rationalization. No rationalization can be absolutely consoling. There is bound to remain the doubt, “perhaps I am befooling myself.” And that’s what you are doing. You have never been out of the movie. Even when you became a watcher, you were just playing a part in the movie.
Because you are so interested in being a watcher, your mind can give you even that. It is a safety device of the mind, to allow you to feel that you are the watcher: don’t be worried, you are outside the dream; you can even guide it a little bit, you can make it more funny, more juicy.