I feel as if I am almost letting go, but a part inside me, small but very persistent, is holding on tight. It creates a feeling of anxiety, a cloud of worry, a sense of incompletion. Often, with you, the beauty of a single moment is so intense that it turns into an ache and a longing. Is it because my “yes” is not total yet? And why does this create a sort of existential worry? Nobody else seems worried.
Your question has its own answer in it – but this is how people are unconscious. You have not even thought a second time about what you are writing. You are writing, “I feel as if I am almost letting go.” Do you see what it means? The moment let-go happens, it is not almost. Either it happens or it does not happen.
Let-go does not come in installments, and it is never “almost” – that too is “as if.” Even the “almost” is not certain – uncertainty upon uncertainty upon uncertainty. “As if” is also not the beginning. “I feel” – it is not that I experience. Naturally, you will find yourself in tension and in anxiety.
And you ask me, “Is it because my ‘yes’ is not total yet?” What to say of your “yes” and its totality? You have not even dreamt about it; you have only heard about it, and you have seen people in a state of yes-ness.
You have also longed for it because you have seen the joy of those whose “yes” is total; you have seen their dance, you have seen their song. It is out of a competitive spirit – you don’t want to be left behind. But you don’t have any “yes” yet; otherwise, there would be no anxiety and no tension. “Yes” is a total let-go.
But my feeling about Surabhi is that she is a great thinker. I say great thinker because she is the only one who writes so many questions every day. I have to go on throwing away dozens of her questions, and then I start feeling that the poor girl is writing so many questions that I must choose at least one. So out of compassion I choose, Surabhi, your questions. Otherwise, they are not worth answering.
I would never have answered anybody else’s question if he had written, “I feel as if I am almost letting go, but a part inside me, small but very persistent, is holding on tight.” Even if a part of you is holding on tight, it is enough to destroy your whole idea of let-go. You cannot divide yourself into parts; even if one hand is holding tight, your whole body will have to remain there.
I have heard about a man who stole from the treasury of the king and was brought before the king. The man was certainly a very strange fellow because he did not deny it, although there was no eyewitness. He was not caught red-handed; he could have denied it – it was almost impossible for the king to prove that he had stolen from his treasury. But the man said, “Yes, I have stolen from the treasury, and whatever punishment you want to give, you can give. But remember one thing – only my hands have been involved in the stealing – I was just standing there and watching. I am the only eyewitness.”
The king said, “You seem to be a very strange fellow. Your hands were stealing, and you were standing there, just looking.”