The first question:
Why do I seem to feel more afraid of life than of death?
Death is unknown. You cannot be really afraid of that with which you are not at all acquainted. Fear is a relationship – you have to know something to be afraid of it. Nobody is really afraid of death; whenever somebody says, “I am afraid of death” he is simply saying that he is afraid to lose life. Death is absolutely unknown. So everybody is afraid of life – it is life that is the problem, not death. It is life that gives you anguish and nights without sleep.
What is the fear of life? There are many fears but they can be reduced to a few basic fears; one is that life is slipping by and you have not yet lived. That’s the panic, basic panic – that life is going out of your hands, every moment you have less and less life, and you have not yet lived. Great fear arises: are you going to miss? Will you be able to make it this time? Who knows, there may be no other time; life may not happen again – who knows? This seems to be the only life, and every day it is turning into a wasteland, hence the fear.
Secondly, it is life that ultimately brings death: death is the crescendo of life, the finishing touch. If you are afraid of death, that too is basically fear of life – that life will bring death one day; that the trees will be here and the flowers will be here and the spring will come and the grass will be green and you will not be here.
While you are here you are not much here either; sooner or later grass will be growing on your grave and you will not be able to walk on it. While you can walk on it and enjoy the feel of it and the dewdrops and the coolness and the sunlit morning, you are not enjoying it, because you cannot enjoy – that’s why you are afraid of life. Life is turning into death, the unknown: the known is always disappearing into the unknown; the light is always disappearing into darkness.
So life will one day take you to the door of death. But why are you not living, what hinders you from living? You have conditions, that’s what hinders: you have conditions, that “If this happens, only then will I be happy” and life is not going to oblige you. You have to surrender to life. Your conditions don’t allow you the surrender; you have to drop conditions. You have to say, “Whatsoever happens, I am going to enjoy. I am going to enjoy unconditionally.”