A man with a weight problem goes to see his doctor.
“I want to lose weight,” he says, “but it is no good giving me a diet. I have tried them before and they never worked.”
“The only thing I can suggest,” says Doctor Bones, scratching his nose, “is a rather unusual Indian technique, using exercise only. No diet. So you can eat anything you like. But, what you have to do, is have wild, passionate, sexual intercourse at least four times a night. Okay? Come back and see me in a month.”
A month goes by and the patient returns.
“How much weight have you lost?”
“About two pounds,” replies the man.
“And how many times did you have sex this month?” continues Bones.
“Fifteen times,” replies the patient.
“My God!” cries Bones, “that is not good enough!”
“Maybe not,” replies the man, “but it is pretty good for a Catholic priest in a small town!”
Many people have trouble understanding what a miracle is. Paddy is one of these people and even though Father Murphy has explained the subject many times and in great detail, Paddy is still not satisfied.
“Father,” says Paddy, “perhaps you could give me an example of a miracle?”
“All right, Patrick,” says the priest, “turn around.”
Paddy turns around and Father Murphy gives him a large boot in the backside. “Now, Patrick,” asks the priest, “did you feel that?”
“I certainly did,” replies Paddy, rubbing his buttocks.
“Well, Patrick,” continues Father Murphy, “it would have been a miracle if you had not.”
A young sailor is washed ashore on an island inhabited by cannibals.
Since the cannibal tribe is fasting for one month, the chief announces that the sailor’s life will be spared if he can pass the three-tent test.
“In the first tent,” says the chief, “there is a jug full of strong liquor. You must drink it all”
“In the second tent is a lion with toothache. You must take out his sore tooth.”
“In the third tent is a nymphomaniac. She has already exhausted two husbands who were trying to fulfill her needs. You must satisfy her twice!”
The sailor shrugs and goes into the first tent. After five minutes of silence, he wobbles out and goes into the second tent. There are screams and moans and eventually, he crawls out covered in cuts and bruises.