You say, “This sounds like a silly question.” Not only does it sound, it is. All questions are – what can I do? What can you do?
You say, “I am not sure that I want to become enlightened.” That shows how the mind functions, it is never sure of anything. The mind is always unsure; it lives in unsureness. The mind lives in confusion; it can never have any clarity. Clarity is not part of the mind at all; clarity is the absence of the mind, confusion is the presence of the mind. Confusion and mind are synonymous.
You can’t have a clear mind. If you have clarity, you cannot have the mind; if you have the mind, you can’t have clarity. The mind is always divided against itself, it lives in conflict. Divisibility is its nature, hence those who live in the mind never become individuals, indivisibles. They remain divided: one part wants this, and another part wants that.
The mind is a crowd of many desires; it is not a single desire. The mind is multi-psychic, and all the fragments are falling apart in different directions. It is a miracle how we go on keeping ourselves together. It is a hard struggle to keep oneself together. Somehow, we manage, but that togetherness remains only on the surface. Deep down there is turmoil.
You fall in love with a woman; are you sure that you are in love – really sure? I have never come across a lover who is really sure. You may even get married, but are you sure…you may have children, but are you sure that you really wanted to have children?
That’s how you are living: nothing is sure, but one has to do something or other to keep oneself occupied, so you go on keeping yourself occupied. But surety is not of the mind, it cannot be, and the same problem will arise on every level. The same problem is facing you again.
You say, “I am not sure that I want to become enlightened,” but there must be a certain desire, otherwise why the question? A part of your mind must be saying, “Become enlightened” – just a part. Another part must be saying, “Are you mad? Have you lost your senses? You have a wife at home, and children, and work, and you love your country – and you are trying to become enlightened? You must have become a victim of mass hypnosis: so many people in orange, it is dangerous to live with such mad people – so many mad people, enjoying and laughing, and loving and looking so happy! Keep on remembering you have a wife, children, a job. Keep alert!”
But again and again the desire will come. When so many people are interested in enlightenment, there must be something in it. You can deceive one, you can deceive two, but how can you deceive so many…thousands of people interested in enlightenment? It can’t be all bullshit. So a desire arises to have a little taste of it, and fear is there too.