As far as I have been trying to study many people…almost all the husbands, at least ninety-nine percent, are trying to find their mothers in their wives. Of course, you cannot find your mother in your wife; your wife is not your mother. But a deep fixation with the mother, and then they are dissatisfied with the wife because she is not mothering them. And every wife is searching for the father in the husband – no husband is your father. And if she is not satisfied with the fathering then she is dissatisfied.
These are fixations. In Patanjali’s language, he calls them attachments. Freud calls them fixations. The words differ but the meaning is the same. Don’t get fixed, be flowing. Non-attachment means you are not fixed. Don’t be like ice cubes, be like water, flowing. Don’t be frozen.
Every attachment becomes a frozen thing, dead. It is not vibrating with life, it is not a constantly moving response. It is not alive moment to moment, it is fixed. You love a person: if it is love then you cannot predict what is going to happen the next moment. It is impossible to predict, moods change like weather. You cannot say the next moment also that your lover will be loving to you. He may not feel like loving the next moment, you cannot expect it.
If he also loves you the next moment it is good, you are thankful. If he is not loving in the next moment nothing can be done, you are helpless. You have to accept the fact that he is not in the mood. Nothing to cry about, simply there is no mood! You accept the situation. You don’t force the lover to pretend, because pretension is dangerous.
If I feel loving towards you I say, “I love you,” but the next moment I can say, “No, I don’t feel any love in this moment.” So there are only two possibilities: either you accept my non-loving mood, or you force that, “Whether you love me or not, at least show that you love me.” If you force me then I become false and the relationship becomes a pretension, a hypocrisy. Then we are not true to each other. And two persons who are not true to each other, how can they be in love? Their relationship will have become a fixation.
Wife and husband, they are fixed, dead – everything is certain. They are behaving towards each other as if they are things. You come to your home, your furniture will be the same because furniture is dead. Your house will be the same because the house is dead. But you cannot expect your wife to be the same – she is alive, a person. And if you expect her to be the same as she was when you left the house then you are forcing her to be just furniture, just a thing. Attachment forces the related persons to be things and love helps the persons to be more free, to be more independent, to be more true. But truth can only be in constant flow, it can never be frozen.
When Patanjali says non-attachment he is not saying to kill your love. Rather, on the contrary, he is saying, “Kill all that poisons your love, kill all the obstacles, destroy all the obstacles that kill your love.” Only a yogi can be loving. The worldly person cannot be loving, he can be attached.
Remember this: attachment means fixation and you cannot accept anything new in it, only the past. You don’t allow the present, you don’t allow the future to change anything. And life is change, only death is unchanging.