The first thing to be understood you cannot surrender; it is not something you can do. If you are there, then how is the surrender possible? If the doer is there, then how can the surrender happen? It is not an act. When you are not there, then the surrender is. So you cannot surrender – one thing is absolutely certain. You cannot surrender, because you is the barrier. And this is what you have been trying, trying to surrender. It is like trying to go to sleep: try hard, and then failure is absolute. Sleep comes when you are not there and the effort has ceased. When you are trying no more to go to sleep – you have completely forgotten about it, because any activity is against sleep – if you are trying to go to sleep…. That’s what so many people who suffer from sleeplessness, insomnia, are doing all over the world. They try: they do many tricks; they count sheep, they do transcendental meditation, they do mantras, and a thousand and one things they do to get to sleep, because they don’t know that the doer is the barrier. Sleep comes when you are not.
Sometimes those mantras may appear to help, because by doing a mantra, you by and by get fed up with it; you are bored. That is the whole mechanism of a mantra, that it bores you. You become so bored that the mantra drops; and in your boredom the very effort to get to sleep also drops. Suddenly the sleep is there. Sleep comes when you are not. The truth comes when you are not. The God comes when you are not. Surrender is not something that you can do. You can only be receptive for it to happen; it is a happening.
You ask: “My anger has lessened” – good! “My sexual desire is not my master” – very good! “My mind is more still” – beautiful! The situation is building itself. Now don’t be in a hurry to surrender. Everything happens only in its own time. Ripeness is all; just don’t be in a hurry; the fruit is ripening every day. The moment is coming closer and closer when suddenly, without any previous notice, the fruit falls from the tree.
Just like that, surrender happens. You will not be notified, remember. There is nobody going to say to you, “Now, surrender is going to happen!” There is not going to be any announcement of it. In fact when it happens, in that moment, you are surprised, taken unawares; you were not expecting it.
Remember this, while you are expecting it, it is not going to happen, because when you are expecting, you are there. It happens only when you are not expecting at all; in fact, you have forgotten about it. Suddenly it is there.
Have you observed? – sometimes it happens you have forgotten the name of someone. And you know that you know. And you say, “It is just on the tip of my tongue.” And still, you cannot recall it. Try hard. The more you try, the more it will be frustrating. The more you try hard, the more you will be in a weird situation. You know it – it is right on the tip of the tongue – and it is not coming. One feels at a loss; one cannot think what is happening.
Then you try, and try, and try, and it doesn’t come. You are fed up with the whole effort. You go out of the house; you start digging in the garden, and suddenly it is there. It bubbles up to the surface.
What happened? Try to understand the mechanism. It was there, but the very effort made you tense. And a tense mind is a narrow mind, the tenser the narrower. The mind became so narrow and so tense, so one-pointed that the name could not pass through it. Your mind became like a needle’s eye, and the camel could not pass through it. You knew it was there, but the very effort narrowed you, because effort means concentration.