You are saying, I had an idea that when one meditates, one slowly is transformed into being more laughing and loving. Do you understand what you are writing in your question, I had an idea that when one meditates…? Certainly it is not your experience, it is just…an idea, that when one meditates one slowly is transformed into being more laughing and loving, but I just get hollow and empty and start withdrawing myself from others. But this is not because you are meditating.
Just face the reality, look in the mirror and remove your masks. And what is only your idea will be found just phony.
Meditate, but right now, the condition in which you are, you cannot meditate. And because you cannot meditate, the guilt does not allow you to mix with people because these are the same people you have betrayed…
It is so easy to accept, because it is very human to err. It is more human to realize that one has erred, that one has committed a mistake. It is not something that one has to be afraid of. I am not sending you into hell, but if you don’t accept and realize what has been done by you or by the company in which you were an intrinsic part, you will remain empty and you will start withdrawing from people. And finally you will create the hell.
The hell is not somewhere else. It is not geographical. It is your psychology: a psychology which is messed up, confused, and has become ugly and is afraid to expose itself to the sun and to the wind…Dolma, just do that.
Search out within yourself – because nobody knows more than you what has been happening in the group you were part of – what kind of power trip, and in that power trip what kind of blindness, the things that you did in that blindness or supported or you did not object to.
Unless you unburden your heart it is very difficult for me to help you. And you will feel deep sorrow. I feel compassion for you, because I don’t have any condemnation for anyone. People are unconscious, they go on doing things and they don’t know where it will lead them, what will be the consequences.
So it is not just you; everybody is in the same boat. And one should always be alert that whenever he finds that he has done something wrong – although there was a certain feeling that this is not the thing to do – still one went on doing it because it was giving power, prestige, respectability.
The group to which you belonged in the commune in America – none of that group were meditators; they had no time to meditate – but they were conspiring to do all kinds of things, even trying to murder people. You may not have done anything, but if you were part of the group and you remained silent, you are as much responsible as the person who did it.
There is no problem: you simply confess everything. Just write a letter in The Osho Times confessing everything that you did, that you knew was being done by other people and that you never objected to, but on the contrary, you supported. You will be free of this guilt, this hollowness – and happiness is not very far away, and meditation is your birthright. And one who goes in meditation, always goes into fullness, into nothingness.