I was counted as nobody. Even if a stray dog would enter in the house I would allow it. I was sitting at the gate and the dog would enter and I would watch. And my mother would come rushing out and she would say, “Nobody is here to prevent this dog” – and I was sitting there!
By and by they had accepted that I was as if not. But that does not make much difference; I was there. I had seen the dog coming, I was hearing their words. I knew I could manage to go to the marketplace and fetch vegetables for her. And I would laugh at the whole idea – that she went on saying that nobody was there.
That’s what is happening to you. You are there, and you say nothingness is. You are oblivious of yourself, you don’t take note of yourself, otherwise you are there. If you are not there, who is saying that nothingness is? Then there is nothingness when you are not there, then there is pure nothingness. In that purity is nirvana, enlightenment. That is the most valuable place to be, the most spacious place to be. It is the space everybody is searching for, because it is unlimited, infinite, and its purity is absolute. It is not polluted by anything; even you are not there. There is light and there is consciousness, but there is no “I.” “I” is like ice, frozen consciousness. Consciousness is like melted ice, liquid, or, even better, even the water has evaporated, has become invisible.
And you say: “And why is it so painful to become aware that it is an illusion?” – the other. It is painful because the “I” starts dying. To recognize the other as the illusion, to recognize love as illusion is very hard, because then the “I” starts dying. If you drop the “you,” the “I” cannot exist. And you don’t know the beauty of dropping the “I.”
And you ask: “If it is natural – if being alone is basic, the very essence of my being – then how could the illusive idea of becoming one, of falling in love with somebody eternally, come into being in the first place?”
It came only because of that – because aloneness is basic, essential. The Hindu scriptures say that God was alone. Just think, just visualize God alone and alone and alone for eternity. He became fed up with his aloneness, it was monotonous. He wanted to have a little play. He created the other and started playing hide-and-seek.
When you are tired of the play, when you become fed up with the play, you become a buddha again. You again drop your toys. They are created by you, the value is imagined by you; you have put the value on them. The moment you withdraw your value they disappear, you are again alone.
The Hindu concept is tremendously valuable, significant. It says God was alone, it became monotonous, and he created the world, the other, just to have a little chitchat with the other, to have a little dialogue. Then again and again one comes and feels tired and bored with the other, disappears into oneself, again reaches to one’s nothingness and becomes a god.