Just as our eyes are mirrors in which things reflect – we find where the table is and where the chair is because our two eyes are mirroring things around us – when a man is completely clean, silent, serene, his inner being becomes a mirror. And the inward door that was always there is reflected in it. And the magnetism of the door is such that once one has seen it, there is no way to escape from it. You start moving toward that door the way the moth moves toward a flame, the moth knowing perfectly that coming closer to the flame he is going to be burned, is going to die. But some strange attraction… The moth is ready to die.
The same is the situation when you see the door of enlightenment for the first time. You become the moth and the door becomes the flame. You know you are going to die, but at the same time you know that you are going to be reborn on the other side. This is resurrection.
If I could ask you a question about your past: you spent a year – when you were a student in India – mad; in which you couldn’t formulate a sentence, and you lost your perspective. Is that the time that you were looking for that door?
I had been looking for that door as long as I remember – from my very childhood. I must have carried that idea from my past life, because I don’t remember a single day in my childhood in this life that I was not looking for it.
And as far as my craziness is concerned, naturally I was thought crazy by everybody. I never played with any children. I never could find any way to communicate with the children of my own age. To me they looked stupid, doing all kinds of idiotic things. I never joined any football team, volleyball team, hockey team. Of course, they all thought me crazy. And as far as I was concerned, as I grew I started looking at the whole world as crazy.
In the last year, that was when I was twenty-one, it was a time of nervous breakdown and a breakthrough. Naturally, those who loved me, my family, my friends, my professors, could understand a little bit what was going on in me – why I was so different from other children, why I would go on sitting for hours with closed eyes, why I sat by the bank of the river and went on looking at the sky for hours, sometimes for the whole night. Naturally, the people who could not understand such things – and I did not expect them to understand – thought me mad.
In my own home I had become almost absent. I would be there in the room and my mother would be asking me, “If you see someone in the house just tell me, because I don’t see anybody here and I have to send somebody to fetch some fruits or some vegetables from the market.” The market was not far away, just two minutes’ walk, but I was not considered to be somebody. They had accepted the fact that I am good for nothing.
And they were right. In the morning they would send me to purchase something which was needed immediately, and I would return in the night. And then I would say, “I think you had sent me for something, but I completely forgot about it. If you remind me, I can run again.”