When relaxing and turning inwards there is a moment when I either become sharply aware, being at the same time totally relaxed as if not there, or fall asleep, unconscious. I don’t know what triggers the last state rather than the first. Could you please explain?
The state when you are relaxed and become very sharply awake takes you closer to the superconscious. And a state when you are relaxed but fall into a peaceful sleep leads you toward the unconscious mind. Certainly the first state is far superior to the second, but the second may also be necessary for you; otherwise it would not have been happening.
Remember one principle: whatever happens is somehow needed, whether we understand it or not. They look totally different – not only different, but diametrically opposite – but they may be helping each other. When you are tired, relaxation will take you to a calm and quiet sleep that rejuvenates you, revitalizes you, brings your energy back. It is healthy; nothing is wrong with it. It will give you a certain well-being, which may become the ground for the first stage that you are so fully revitalized, rejuvenated, full of energy, and you relax – but the energy is so much that you cannot fall asleep.
To fall asleep you need to be tired, exhausted, but if the energy is so much then sleep is not possible, and that is when the first state will be happening – a sharp awareness.
So they look opposite, but only intellectually – in reality they support each other. When you are sharply awake you are consuming a vast amount of energy, more than you ordinarily consume in your so-called waking state. Naturally you will need a deeper, calmer and quieter sleep than your ordinary sleep – which is a turmoil – so that you can regain the energy that has been used in being sharply alert.
So they are both just like two hands; they are both yours. So whatever happens, enjoy it. In that moment that is your need; don’t try to change it. That’s where trouble starts, because you start thinking to be sharply aware is higher, then why not be sharply aware all the time? You cannot do that. You will need periods of deep rest.
So you don’t interfere. Just relax. Do the exercise you are doing, and whatever happens, enjoy it because that must be the need.
I am angry with my parents for the first time. They are simple people, and I say to myself, “It is not their fault that they have no understanding of Osho.” But my anger is in conflict with my love and it hurts. I am so angry writing this that I can’t even formulate the question. Can you help please?