I would like to suggest, drop those ideas. All respectability, all honor is meaningless if it drives you against your nature. What can you do if you are not a lotus flower, but just a marigold? Enjoy being a marigold.
Existence has no disrespect for misfit people. The sun makes no difference, the moon does not discriminate; the whole existence accepts you as you are. But deep down within you there is a rejection, so you are in a split, in a dilemma. With this dilemma, wherever you go you will feel uncomfortable – more uncomfortable than you are feeling here, because here nobody is interested in condemning, in judging. Nobody will say, “Leeladhar, you are not what you should be.” There is no “should” here.
In the American commune, you were not willing to remain a plastic surgeon. Now is the chance – nobody is telling you to be a plastic surgeon; even if you want to be, nobody is interested in plastic surgery here. If somebody’s nose is a little long, nobody objects. Or a little smaller…a nose is just functional. With the long nose or the small nose, if breathing is going well, there is no problem. Here nobody is interested in changing from a man into a woman, or from woman into a man.
This is not a commune, this is simply a gathering of all kinds of misfit people who cannot fit anywhere else. Here they can celebrate their misfitness without losing respect and honor and dignity.
You say, “India, and even a commune, just does not seem to be the place where I feel comfortable.”
India is the oldest country which has allowed all kinds of misfit people. It is unbelievable that Indian society down the ages has never crucified a Jesus and there have been many who were claiming “Aham Brahmasmi” “I am a god” – Jesus was only saying “I am the only begotten son of God” – and nobody has objected. If they are enjoying and feeling blissful, they are not doing any harm to anybody.
Gautam Buddha did not believe in God. Mahavira absolutely rejected the very idea of God. But they were not crucified, they were loved as they were.
And even before them, a long passage of ten thousand years…you will find all kinds of people. Somebody is standing on his head; nobody even takes any note of it, nobody says that you are mad or something. Somebody has been standing for years, has been sleeping standing, with the support of a wooden structure; – he is keeping his hands on the structure and fast asleep – and people always give the freedom: if he decides to be this way, this is his business. It is between him and God; who we are to interfere?