Small children don’t know the difference between reality and dreaming. That’s why when they wake up in the morning sometimes they start crying “Where are my toys?” They were dreaming about toys; they want them back. They don’t know that now they are awake those and dreams have disappeared. That’s what has happened to you.
Moses Cohen came back home in the middle of the night and slipped silently into the bedroom and began to undress.
Sarah Cohen woke up and asked, “Moses, where did you leave your underpants?”
“They must have been stolen,” replied Moses.
Now you cannot steal anybody’s underpants…but the unconscious mind goes on saying, doing, being unconscious.
Bill: “I think I’m starting to walk in my sleep.”
Will: “What makes you think that?”
Bill: “I woke up in my own bed this morning.”
It is really something tremendously significant that is happening to you, but you will only be able to understand later on. When you reach a little farther away from your dreams and you will have a better perspective, you will be able to feel grateful. Right now there may be anger and rage.
That happens to almost every sannyasin who comes here with expectations and hopes – and who does not come with expectations and hopes?
You say: “I give up.”
Please, give up. That’s exactly what is to be done. But you are not doing it, you are simply saying it – maybe in unconscious utterance, maybe in desperation, but not in understanding. Yes, one can give up in desperation, but then wounds are left, scars are left. When you give up with understanding, seeing the futility of it all, then there is tremendous peace.
You say: “I am reaching nowhere.”
My effort is to bring you now, here, and you are trying to reach somewhere else. I am not trying to help you to reach somewhere. You are already all over the place except now and here. My function is to pull you back to your present moment, to the real: howsoever difficult it is to come back to home, howsoever you have become accustomed to wandering. But you have to be brought back home, because only then there can be blissfulness, benediction, freedom – what Bodhidharma will call nirvana: cessation of the ego and the birth of the soul.
You say: “I am reaching nowhere. I came here full of hope and joy.”