Gautam Buddha laughed. There are very few occasions when he laughed – in his whole life maybe three or four occasions. He laughed, laughed at the stupidity of human ignorance. What he was asking was just meaningless, and what he was losing he was not aware of.
Buddha said, “You are my elder brother. I have to obey you, respect you. Your conditions are accepted. You will never find a fault. I give my promise – but I am giving it with a very heavy heart, because you don’t know what you are missing. You are thinking you are becoming special, and this is the place where you have to become humble.”
But a blind man is a blind man. He took initiation only after those conditions were accepted. And he wept tears of blood, because he remained always with a subtle ego: “I have a certain speciality amongst ten thousand disciples.
Nobody has any promise from Gautam Buddha except me.”
But the people who had no promise, their promises were fulfilled. Those who had come without asking anything and surrendered themselves, they attained. He remained lagging behind. He could not believe it: “What is the matter? Very junior people have attained to liberation, and I am one of the most senior persons. And I am the closest.”
But closest only physically. He slept in the same room in which Gautam Buddha slept. He moved just behind him like a shadow, and he felt greatly proud of his specialness. He was acknowledged by Gautam Buddha and by everybody else; but his acknowledgment became his fault, his failure.
Never desire acknowledgment. Enjoy when it comes, relish it, dance…but when it comes on its own, not asked for. The master always recognizes – but only those who will be helped by it. And he ignores those who will be helped by his ignoring them. Perhaps they will come to an understanding of why they are being ignored: because they want to be special, because they want to be acknowledged.
Drop that! If you cannot drop, even with a master, then what kind of discipleship is it? What kind of initiation have you taken? Now leave it to him. If he feels that you need being ignored, he will ignore you – and you have to be thankful for it. And if he feels you need acknowledgment he will acknowledge you, and you have to be thankful for that too. But it should not be a demand on your part.
The moment you demand you miss the intimacy, the deep spiritual connection. You fall far away, because the desire is not of your being, it is of your ego, of your personality – which is not you, which is your enemy. This enemy has to be crucified.
Without ego, without any sense of “I”, you will know the innocence of a child. Then the whole starry sky and its freedom is yours.