The first question:
Why do I want people to admire me? Why do I want you to tell me that only very sensitive and intelligent people can ask such a question?
And what the hell is the way out of this vicious circle of admiration and rejection? It is really hard to laugh and dance freely and without purpose with this longing engraved deep in my mind.
Alfred, one wants to be admired because one has no respect for oneself. We are brought up with guilt feelings deeply rooted in us. From the very beginning we are condemned by parents, by teachers, by the priests, by the politicians, by the whole establishment. A single note is continuously repeated to every child: “Whatsoever you are doing is not right. You are doing what should not be done and you are not doing what should be done.” Every child is given directly and indirectly the impression that he is not really wanted, that his parents are tired, that he is being somehow tolerated, that he is a nuisance.
This creates a deep wound in every person, and a rejection of oneself arises. To cover up that wound we expect admiration; admiration is a compensation. If you respect yourself it is more than enough. If you love yourself there is no need for any admiration, there is no desire at all, because once you start expecting admiration from others you start compromising with them. You have to fulfill their expectations, only then will they admire you. You have to be according to their dictates, you cannot live a life of freedom.
You become crippled and paralyzed, you become retarded, you don’t grow up. You become so afraid of your own self that you are constantly on guard, because you know that if you allow yourself you are bound to do something wrong – because all that you have ever done was labeled wrong, and now there is a trembling inside. You cannot depend on yourself, you have to depend on others.
This is a very psychological strategy to create slavery – condemn the person in his own eyes and he will remain dependent on others. The priests have done this for centuries: create guilt and the person will never be rebellious, he will always be obedient because he will always be rooted in fear. He cannot gather enough courage to say no to something that is absolutely wrong in his vision. In spite of himself he will go on accepting the authoritative, the powerful. Those who wield power, those who have might, simultaneously become right for him.
And as time passes, this self-condemnation goes on going deeper and deeper; it becomes your very being. You become just a wound, while you could have been a lotus flower. Your whole energy becomes poisoned.