When you understand intellectually you understand the logic of it, you understand the verbal coherency of it, the consistency of it. It appeals to you as a logical syllogism. But life is not logic. It is infinitely more than that. Not only is it not logical; it is very illogical, because logic thinks in terms of either/or – and life is paradoxical. Life is absurd. It is more like chaos than like a logical system…more poetic, less mathematical.
This is one of the problems for the modern mind – it is too much hung up in the head. And you have lost contact with the body, with the heart, with your real substantial being.
So you will have to do something, not just reading. Meditation, swimming, running, dancing, singing, weeping and laughing may be helpful – thinking alone won’t help. Read a book, there is nothing wrong in it – but don’t be confined to it. It can open a door but don’t remain at the door. If you stand there, if you cling to the door, you will never enter the palace. And treasures are not there, nobody keeps treasures at the door. They are hidden deep in the innermost shrine of your being.
So meditate more, love more. Find moments when you are in the body and not in the head. Do something where you can be total. For example if you are dancing you have to become total. A moment comes in whirling when only whirling remains, and your head completely disappears. It is good to read – if you are aware you can use that too, but use it as a means and don’t make it an end.
If you can come to a camp it will be good. Just be here for a few days and meditate. Just try to understand from a different dimension, not from the intellect. Intellectual understanding is as if you are thirsty and you ask for water, and I explain to you that water means H²O. You understand perfectly, there is no problem, it is obvious. But that is not going to help your thirst, it is not going to quench it. H²O won’t help. You can write out the formula and you can remember it, but the formula is not going to quench the thirst. Thirst needs real water, and H²O is just a parallel concept – it is not reality.
Just try to be more body-oriented. Have you done a few groups – growth groups – Encounter or other things? They will be more helpful. They will bring you back to reality. You need somebody to pull you down; you are going higher and higher. You are missing the roots in the earth.
Before I came here I fell in love with someone for the first time. I hope he will come and join me here soon. But I don’t know if he will come. He’s very spiritual but he regards Christ as the center of our totality.
It is perfectly all right. If love and meditation can grow together it is perfectly beautiful. In fact one should become meditative, then only you can love, never before it.