Am I a restless, confused buddha and only need to accept right now the peculiar nature of my buddhahood…?
Everybody is restless, everybody is confused. The confusion is coming from your engagement with the other; the other confuses you. The restlessness is there because you are too excited by the other. It will remain, but it does not destroy your buddhahood. Your potential remains untouched by it. It is only on the surface, on the periphery. These winds blow only on the periphery, they create ripples on the periphery, but in your deepest depth you remain untouched, unmoved. Not even a small ripple arises there…that is the center of the cyclone.
Start looking in. Even for a few moments, just forget the other. Slowly, slowly the knack is found. There is no art to it, otherwise I would have taught it to you. It cannot be taught, you have to grope for it. But groping, one arrives, that’s certain – because many have arrived. I have arrived, you can arrive.
And you cannot follow somebody else because everybody arrives in his own way, because everybody is so unique and different from any other.
Start groping. That groping is meditation. Close your eyes to the other. You have seen the buddha-statues – Buddha is sitting with closed eyes. Those closed eyes are simply symbolic, symbolic that he’s not engaged with the other, that he is not exploring the other any more. He wants to do first things first. He wants to explore this subjectivity: who is this within me? And unless this is found, all else is futile. If I don’t know who I am, I will never know who the other is. If I can’t experience myself, how can I experience the other? The other is far away. If I am not sensitive enough to feel my own heartbeat, how am I going to feel the heart-beat of the other? And that’s what you have been trying, and failing, and trying again, and hoping, and being frustrated again and again. It is an old rut; you go on moving in it. It is a vicious circle.
Start groping inwards. Whenever you are alone – and manage sometimes to be alone, it is not good always to remain crowded – find your own place sometimes and just close your eyes. That is symbolic: close yourself to the world.
Now this has to be understood, because the contemporary mind is too worried with how to open itself, how to remain open to others. In itself it is a beautiful understanding, but you can go to the extreme very easily – and that’s what the mind always does.