Naturally women are more diplomatic about it than men, because man is already powerful. He need not find subtle and cunning ways to be powerful, he is powerful. He manages the money – that is his power. Muscularly he is stronger – that is his power. Down the centuries he has conditioned the mind of the woman that he is more powerful and she is not powerful. In every way he has always tried to find a woman who is in every way less than him. A man does not want to be married to a woman who is more educated than him, because then the power is at stake. He does not want to marry a woman who is taller than him, because a taller woman looks superior. A man does not want to marry a woman who is too much of an intellectual, because then she argues, and argument can destroy power. A man does not want a woman who is very famous, because then he becomes secondary. And down the centuries man has asked for a woman who is younger than him. Why? – why can’t the wife be older than you? What is wrong? But an older woman is more experienced; that destroys power.
So man has always asked for a lesser, in every way a lesser woman. That’s why women have lost their height. There is no reason for them to be of lesser height than men, no reason at all; they have lost their height only because the smaller woman was always chosen. By and by the thing has entered in their minds so deeply that they have lost their height. They have lost their intelligence, because an intelligent woman was not needed; an intelligent woman was a freak. You will be surprised to know that just in this century their height is increasing again. And you will be surprised…even their bones are becoming bigger and their skeleton is becoming bigger. Just within fifty years…particularly in America. And their mind is also growing and becoming bigger than it used to be; their skull is becoming bigger. With the idea of freedom, some deep conditioning has been destroyed.
Man already has power so he need not be very clever, need not be very indirect. Women don’t have power. When you don’t have power you have to be more diplomatic – that is a substitute. The only way they can feel powerful is that they are needed, that the man is continuously in need of them. This is not love, this is a bargain. And they are continuously haggling over the price, it is a continuous struggle.
C. S. Lewis and Abraham Maslow divide love in two. I don’t divide in two. I say that the first kind of love is just a name, a pseudo coin, it is not true. Only the second kind of love is love.
Love happens only when you are mature. You become capable of loving only when you are a grown-up. When you know that love is not a need but an overflow – being-love or gift-love – then you give without any conditions.
The first kind, the so-called love, derives from a person’s deep need for another, while gift-love or being-love flows or overflows from one mature person to another out of abundance; one is flooded with it. You have it and it starts moving around you, just as when you light a lamp rays start spreading into the darkness. Love is a by-product of being. When you are, you have the aura of love around you; when you are not, you don’t have that aura around you. And when you don’t have that aura around you, you ask the other to give love to you.
Let it be repeated: When you don’t have love you ask the other to give it to you, you are a beggar. And the other is asking you to give it to him or to her. Now, two beggars spreading their hands before each other, and both are hoping that the other has it…naturally both feel defeated finally and both feel cheated.