I can understand. This is the difficulty of the whole modern mind. All relationships are becoming casual by and by. People are afraid of any sort of commitment because they have come to know at least one thing out of bitter experience: whenever you become too much related, the reality erupts and your inner conflicts start being reflected by the other. And then life becomes ugly, horrible, intolerable.
It happened once: I was sitting with a few friends in a university campus ground. One of the professors said, “On the day my wedding occurred…”
But the other professor stopped him immediately and said, “Pardon the correction, but affairs such as marriages, receptions, dinners, and things of that nature, take place. It is only calamities which occur. Do you see the distinction? Please don’t say, ‘The day my marriage occurred’ or ‘The day my wedding occurred.’”
The other was a professor of language and of course he was right. But the first man said, “Yes, many, many things…” and again started. “…and as I was saying, the day my wedding occurred, it was a calamity.”
If you are outside it, it may look like a beautiful oasis in the desert, but as you come closer the oasis starts drying and disappearing. Once you are caught in it, it is an imprisonment. But remember, the imprisonment doesn’t come from the other, it comes from within you.
If the left-hemisphere brain goes on dominating you, you will live a very successful life, so successful that by the time you are forty you will have ulcers, by the time you are forty-five you will have at least one or two heart-attacks, by the time you are fifty you will be almost dead – but successfully dead. You may become a great scientist but you will never become a great being. You may accumulate enough wealth but you will lose all that is of worth. You may conquer the whole world like an Alexander but your own inner territory will remain unconquered.
There are many attractions of following the left-hemisphere brain, that is the worldly brain. It is more concerned with things: cars, houses, money, power, prestige. That is the orientation of the man who in India we call a grihastha, a householder.
The right-hemisphere brain is the orientation of a sannyasin, one who is more interested in his own inner being, his inner peace, his blissfulness, and is less concerned about things. If they come easily, good; if they don’t come that too is good. He is more concerned with the moment, less concerned with the future; more concerned with the poetry of life, less concerned with the arithmetic of it.
I have heard an anecdote:
Finkelstein had made a huge killing at the races and Muscovitz, quite understandably, was envious.
“How did you do it, Finkelstein?” he demanded.
“Easy,” said Finkelstein, “it was a dream.”