So it is not certain. What do you mean by fifty-fifty? Your mind is confusion, but division will not help, a divided mind will not be of much help. Go to Subud or come to me, but be a hundred percent. And that hundred percentness is needed about you – not about me, or about Bapak Subud, or about anybody else. You must be a hundred percent here, then work becomes possible.
What to do? Your mind is cunning – clever, you call it, but it is cunning. It calculates, it cannot take a risk. That’s why you have been wandering for so many lives. You were near Buddha, you were near Jesus, you have seen Mohammed – you have seen many masters, but you bypass them just because of your cleverness. Your cleverness is your stupidity. Even with a Buddha you calculate – and what can you calculate? Life is such a mystery; it cannot be explained in terms of logic. And a person like Buddha is so mysterious that whatsoever you come to conclude will be wrong, and by the time you have concluded Buddha will have changed. By the time you have come to a decision, Buddha is not the same – because Buddha is a river, a riverlike phenomenon, flowing. Conclusion will take time, and you will miss.
Religion is for those who are like gamblers, who can take risks. If you are a gambler then something can happen, but if you are a businessman then nothing is possible. Be certain about your search. If you are really in search, then don’t be afraid. And I say again: even with a master who is false, pseudo, you are not going to lose anything.
It happened that one of the Tibetan mystics, Marpa, was in search of a master. He reached a master who was not really a master, who was a pseudo-teacher, who was not himself enlightened. Marpa asked him, “What am I supposed to do?”
The pseudo-master said, “You will have to surrender to me. Surrender totally.”
Marpa said, “Surrendered! I am surrendered. Now what is to be done?”
Other disciples became jealous, because this Marpa seemed to be a dangerous man: immediately, without arguing, without discussing, he said, “I have surrendered. Now tell me, what is to be done?” He would become the leader, he would become the chief disciple – he had already become it. He had just arrived, and they had been serving the master for many years, and he had superseded them.
They became jealous, and they said to the master, “This is not easy; surrender is such a difficult thing. For many years we have been working, and yet we have not surrendered totally. This man seems to be deceiving. So we must examine whether the surrender is true or not.”
The master asked, “How can it be examined and tested?”