The other day when you said that I was “coming along fine, slow but steady.” for me, it was a beautiful statement. But it touched an old wound that I was hardly aware of.
The wound comes from school and being often told that I was slow, a bit dim, not very intelligent and definitely needed to try harder.
And listening to you I had the feeling that maybe all this was true. Is it?
Vimal, it is of great understanding on your part that you have not blamed me because I have touched your old wound. It hurts. But unless all the wounds are opened to the sun, to the wind, they will go on growing underneath; they can become cancerous.
Many people, many more than the people who are suffering from physical cancer, are suffering from psychological cancer. And the only way to remove a psychological cancer is to expose it. If there is love and trust, then you will not start getting angry or hurt, because I am nothing but your physician. And just out of my love I have to hit you – sometimes very hard, because the crust that is covering your wound has become very thick.
Your question reminded me of Veena. She had asked a question this morning. I had looked all around – she was not here. Although I knew why she was not here, I have also inquired. And the reason she has given is that she woke up with a stiff neck. That need not prevent you from coming here. You have a stiff neck anyway! Then she has not turned up to work the whole day, and her boyfriend has been saying that she is very upset.
First you ask a question, without ever thinking that you are putting me into a situation: either I have to lie just to console you, just to inflate your ego…but that way I am not your friend; that way I am your greatest enemy. That is what all the priests, all the religions, all your leaders have been doing for thousands of years, and I don’t want to do it. But I can see why they were doing it: you were very happy with them. They were giving you more and more doses of opium to keep you fast asleep and consoled.
Because I have to say the truth, it is bound to hurt you, sometimes very deeply. And I can understand; the pain that has been repressed suddenly uncoils within you. But if rather than bringing understanding it brings an upset, then it was better you had not asked the question. You cannot expect from me that I am going to nourish your ego, protect your wounds, console you in your misery, suffering, insincerity, helping you to be a beautiful hypocrite.
She is again not here; I have looked around…. And it is not that she is not hearing what I am saying; her room is just close by. She has heard in the morning – the stiff neck came later on – and she is hearing right now.
But you cannot understand my difficulty. If I don’t care about you, then I can simply say things which console you but don’t transform you. If I love you, then I have to be a surgeon and I have sometimes to operate on you.