The student is relaxed because he is unconscious, the devotee is relaxed because he is conscious, but the disciple is vague – vaguely conscious, vaguely unconscious. The disciple lives in the world of twilight, neither day nor night, neither here nor there, in a kind of limbo.
You are in the state of being a disciple. Yes, glimpses have started showering on you – now be courageous, move a little closer. Don’t only look into my eyes, but be my eyes. Don’t be a spectator, become a participant, get involved, committed. Don’t look at me as somebody separate from you. The time has come: become inseparable, so attuned that you don’t have any identity of your own. I don’t have any identity of my own. And when you also lose your identity we are two zeros coming closer and closer and closer, and in a sudden flash of thunder the two zeros are no longer two, they have become one.
That orgasmic experience of oneness is the first experience of godliness. The first experience of godliness happens in being utterly one with the master.
The master is only a device, remember, he is only a window to the divine. Come closer and closer to the window and the window disappears and the frame of the window disappears and the whole sky opens up with all its stars.
Then you will be able to see me in the eyes of my sannyasins and in the song of the birds and in the green and red and gold of the trees and in the stars and in the rivers – you will be able to see me everywhere.
Ramakrishna was dying, one of the greatest modern masters. He was suffering from cancer of the throat. It had become impossible for him to eat anything, even to drink water was impossible. For the last three days of his life he could not eat or drink anything.
Vivekananda fell at his feet and said, “If you ask God, just for the asking – the miracle is bound to happen. Why don’t you ask him to take this cancer away? At least you can say, ‘Allow me to eat and drink.’”
Ramakrishna said, “If you say so, I will do it. I never thought of it. Your idea is good. I will try.”
He closed his eyes. Tears started flowing from his closed eyes, his face became full of light. All the anguish of the cancer, all the pain – the pain was intolerable – suddenly disappeared. He opened his eyes. Vivekananda was very happy, the other disciples were very happy, that something had happened, something miraculous. But they were not aware of what it was, they thought God had taken the cancer away, or at least had allowed Ramakrishna to eat and drink. But that was not the real miracle.
Ramakrishna opened his eyes, he was ecstatic; for a few moments he could not utter a single word. Then he said, “Vivekananda, you are a fool! You suggest such stupid things to me, and you know that I am a simple man, a villager, so I accept. I said to God, ‘I can’t eat, can’t drink – why can’t you allow me at least to eat and drink?’”