Haridas went there. After he had graduated from the university, he went because he thought he would go, fall at the feet of his father, and ask his forgiveness. He hoped that a man who talks about nonviolence, love, compassion, was going to forgive. And he had not committed any sin, he had simply not followed his father’s order, which rationally he felt was wrong. The order was wrong; his disobedience was logically right. He was not corrupted or anything, he had simply become more intelligent, sharper, more rational. There had been no harm. He had become more individual. But perhaps no father wants any son to become an individual. The ego of the father wants his children just to be obedient carbon copies.
But Haridas found that the doors were closed – as they saw him entering, the doors were closed. And Gandhi said, “When I die…” In India it is the convention that after death the eldest son gives fire to the dead body on the funeral pyre. Haridas was the eldest son. Now you can see the vengeance – with all the nonsense about nonviolence, love, compassion – in actuality, the vengeance. And the vengeance was such that he was even thinking about after death: “When I die you have to be aware that Haridas should not be allowed to give fire to my dead body. I have disowned him, he is no longer my son.”
He never loved himself. He tortured himself as much as possible. But when people torture themselves in the name of spirituality, religion, nobody thinks that something is wrong. If you stop eating without saying anything spiritual or religious about it, you will be thought mad. You have to be treated because the physical body, if it is healthy, the mind, if it is healthy, needs food. And it is an everyday need. If somebody starts enjoying being hungry, psychologists have a name for it: “That man is a masochist; he enjoys torturing himself. He finds ways to torture himself.”
But if you understand psychology, ninety-nine percent of your saints and sages will be categorized as masochists, because what were they doing? Somebody was fasting; somebody was standing for years and not sitting down; somebody was standing on his head; somebody was standing naked the whole year, in the cold winter in the mountains, in the snow – and people were worshipping them. In fact these people should have been treated, they were sick. And they will find any excuse. They will rationalize their sickness.
For example, Gandhi went on a fast unto death. And what was the reason? The reason was that his secretary had fallen in love with a girl. Strange, if he has fallen in love he will suffer – why are you suffering? It doesn’t seem to be connected with cause and effect. How does Mahatma Gandhi come in? But the problem was that in his ashram that was the rule: that nobody can fall in love. Love everybody, but don’t fall in love. Strange things!
So love is just simply a word, it does not mean anything. So everybody says to everybody, “I love you” – but don’t mean it! If you mean it, Mahatma Gandhi will go on a fast unto death: “He really means it” – his own secretary! Now the secretary and the girl, who was an ashramite, were embarrassed. And everybody was at their heads: “You have put that old man in trouble.”
They said, “We have not done anything to him.” And they were sitting by his side massaging his feet – “Somehow, forgive us. We will never do anything like that again. We will simply love. We will never fall in love, we promise you. But please start eating, otherwise people will kill us. They are threatening us, saying to us ‘You are the cause.’”