The first question:
There are moments when I feel no hope, without feeling desperate, when there is recognition that the “I” has fought enough and cannot help anymore. Yet under these momentary covers lingers the one and only longing: to become my real nature, to experience truth and to live it in the world. My mind pleases itself to call this longing an authentic, genuine thirst. However, the suspicion is there that it is just a way to hide my plain greed.
Yes, Gunakar, it is a way to hide the greed. And not only that, it is a way to avoid the real. It is not a thirst for the real; it is a way to escape from the real. All greed, all desire, is an escape from the real. The desire is for that which is not. That which is already there; you need not be greedy about it, you need not desire it. Whether you desire or not does not make any difference. It is there. By desiring, you will miss, because you will create a cloud around yourself.
This is how the mind goes on playing games. It can play the game in the name of reality too, in the name of God, in the name of enlightenment, nirvana.
One thing has to be remembered always, that you are not to become real, you are real. That which you are is the reality. Gunakar has said: Only one longing lingers, to become my real nature. But then who are you? You are your real nature. What else can you be? How else can you be? There is no way to go away from your reality. There is no way to go against it. There is no way to be anything else other than it.
But you can forget about it. You can start looking in some other direction. All that is possible is to be forgetful. You cannot lose contact with reality; you can only forget it. You can start looking in some other direction. You can put it at the back. You can avoid your eyes. You can pretend that you are not the real.
The first thing: you are the real. Whatsoever you are is your reality. It has not to be attained; it is already there. It has happened. Nirvana is not somewhere in the future. Either it is now or never. To seek it is to miss it. If you want to find it, don’t seek it. Just be herenow. And when I say just be herenow, don’t make a desire out of it. Don’t start asking how to be here and now. Don’t start planning that “I have to work hard to be here and now.” You have moved away; that “how” takes you away.