It will happen, Gayan, it is going to happen. If glimpses are happening then there is no problem. If once in a while a few windows open then doors will also open, and you can escape through those windows into the open sky. But you are too much after becoming perfect. Drop that idea. Imperfection is perfectly good. Don’t try to do the impossible. Just being ordinary is immensely beautiful.
But I can see her problems. The fundamental problem is: she is a German. The second problem: she has worked as a fashion model so she has the idea of how to be perfectly beautiful. Those things have gone deep into her. She is a perfectionist, so wherever she has been in these two and a half years she has come into conflict with people. Because this place is not for perfectionists, this place is a crazy place – it is absolutely un-German. And the problem is that I have got so many German sannyasins. And I can understand why the German government is so worried, because I am destroying their young people – I am destroying their conditioning as Germans. Once they have been sannyasins, once they have understood the art of being a sannyasin, then no Adolf Hitler can ever dominate them; that is impossible.
Perfectionism is a kind of neurosis. It is neurotic – it is a beautiful name for neurosis. Gayan, drop that idea. Just be ordinary, simple, nobody, and then things will start happening in leaps and bounds.
I am sending her back for a few days to Germany just to see and compare what has happened to her. She will not be able to realize it here; she will be able to realize it only in Germany. There she will be able to see that in these two and half years much water has gone down the Ganges; she is no more the same person. And there she will be able to recognize how people are behaving, how people are being trained to be neurotics. And when she is back I hope she will come with a better understanding, more relaxed, more restful.
I have great hopes about you, Gayan – much is possible. You are just on the verge. If you start accepting things as they are and you drop the idea of how they should be, if you drop the “shoulds” and “should-nots,” then there is not much trouble. Life starts helping you, caring about you. Life is very caring, very loving; we just never allow it. We are always trying to force it our way, and that is not possible. Life cannot go our way, we have to go life’s way.
That’s what I mean when I emphasize again and again the philosophy of let-go. Let-go is my only approach toward life and existence.
The second question:
I just decided to take sannyas because I wanted to do it anyway during my five weeks of being here. Now inner struggle starts again; I feel under pressure and that it was not a free decision and did not really come from my heart.