The first question:
Five years ago I had a dream in which you looked at me and said very sternly, “Why don’t you go away?
Now whenever I am in front of you, and at other times also, I feel me so strongly…I wish I would go away.
You are just holding on to something which is no more there. You are clinging to a shadow. You are just clinging to a memory. And that is the case with many of my sannyasins – their egos are gone, just the traces, footprints, past memories are there. And they go on clinging to those past memories, thinking these are their egos.
It takes time to recognize the fact that “I am no more.” Sometimes it can take years to understand that the ego has been left somewhere on the path long before.
And about you I can say it absolutely: that it is only a shadow that is torturing you. The ego has disappeared, but you have not yet been able…alert… The ego has disappeared in deep love with me.
The ego disappears in two ways. When it disappears because of meditation one immediately becomes aware that it is gone, because meditation means awareness and nothing else, so there is no gap. On the path of awareness the disappearance of the ego and the recognition is instantaneous, simultaneous.
But on the path of love ego disappears and the recognition comes only later on. The path of love is the path of the drunkard. He is utterly drunk, so how can he recognize what has happened or what is happening? And when you are in love, so much goes on happening that even to take note of it all becomes more and more difficult. And when deeper things happen, it really takes time for them to reach to your recognition.
Meditation is the way of the head. Recognition also is part of the head-function, so meditation happens, immediately recognition happens. Love happens in the heart, and there is a great distance between love and logic, the heart and the head.
In the heart you are no more; the head is still clinging to an old idea. The bird has left the cage long before…. You are drowning in me more and more every day.
Dad was pretending to be asleep. “Maybe the kids will go away,” he thought, “if I play possum.” But they persisted in their efforts to try and rouse him from his delicious sleep. Finally his little daughter tried to open one of his eyelids, looked intently in, and reported to her brothers, “He is still in there!”