And when I use the word self-conscious I don’t mean your self-consciousness. Your self-consciousness is not self-consciousness – it is just ego-consciousness. You don’t know who you are; how can you be self-conscious? Your self-consciousness is a disease. You become self-conscious only when you are facing people. If you are to deliver a speech you become self-conscious. And because of that self-consciousness, you become so disturbed, almost paralyzed. Or if you are playing a part in a drama, you become self-conscious.
Your self-consciousness is nothing but the desire of the ego to perform a dying so perfectly that everybody appreciates it. When I am talking about self-consciousness I mean when all has disappeared and there is no other content left the mirror reflects itself.
It is like when a small candle is burning in a room. It reflects the walls, it reflects the furniture, it reflects the painting on the wall, it reflects the roof For a moment think: the walls have disappeared, the painting is no more, the roof has disappeared – all has disappeared, only the small candle is burning. Now what will it reflect? It will only reflect itself; it will only be self-luminous.
This is the state of being.
Drop knowledge. Drop comparison. Drop false identities. And this whole process is negative! Drop this, drop that…and go on dropping. Go on dropping till nothing is left to drop…and then it is there, God is there.
The second question:
When you speak of the beautiful qualities of a disciple and the deep intimacy between him and the master, when you tell us of the guts and courage of the disciple as he faces the abyss, when you describe the ecstatic transformation which happens to the true disciple who just waits patiently and silently…I despair.
When you talk of the spiritual fever, all I get is a cold.
Osho – are you sure you chose me?
Yes, Yatri, I am absolutely sure – I have chosen you. But you are still hesitating. You have not chosen me yet. Not that you don’t want to choose me – you want and yet you are hesitating.
You have been standing for all these years on the threshold – in a kind of constant hesitation. Your hesitation is chronic. And you know you cannot go back. You cannot go back – that is impossible – but you are not going forward either. Hence the despair.
When I talk about the trust, the love, the patience, of the disciple, I am talking about you as much as about anybody else. And you have the potential! But you are completely oblivious of your potential. You can grow into a huge tree of love and trust, but you are so hesitant that you won’t allow your seed to drop in the soil and disappear.