For the simple reason you are not yet what I am trying for you to understand. When you go out, you try to prove you are somebody special. You try to prove that you are no ordinary human beings. You are somebody chosen, you have a message, you have a special way of life. You have a certain understanding which everybody else is lacking. Naturally you will feel in difficulty, because they are in the majority and you are alone.
Here in the commune you can rejoice in being special, because everybody is rejoicing in being special, there is no problem. And nobody cares what anybody thinks, nobody is trying to impress anybody. In the commune you are simply living – there you become tense, tight, afraid of public opinion; you want to prove in the public opinion that you are a superior being to them, which you cannot prove. Nobody is superior or inferior, there is no question of comparison. And the very tension, tightness, anxiety makes you feel guilty, as if you have betrayed me, as if you have not been the way you were expected to be.
I have no expectations of you. Go to the courts, to the marketplace, anywhere, but remain ordinary, with no attitude of holier than thou. And you will be surprised, there is no tension, there is no anxiety, there is no guilt. And your intelligence will function more efficiently because you will be so relaxed.
It is a miracle to know the beauty and the power of being relaxed. Suddenly your intelligence has a sharpness that you were not aware of, your capacities come to their very peak. You function not just on the minimum survival level, but on the maximum. Your torch of life burns from both ends together.
It is a strange thing: you were trying to be special and you felt guilty; you were trying to prove yourself holier, higher, and you were feeling a failure. Now you are not trying to be higher, and you are. You are not trying to be better than anybody else, but you are, because they are not relaxed and you are relaxed. That small difference makes such a great difference that it is immeasurable.
In my whole life I have never felt guilty about anything. I don’t have any idea how you feel guilty. What kind of thing is guilt? Intellectually I understand, but existentially I have never experienced it, for the simple reason that I have never tried to be anything other than I was.
I have been in the courts and I enjoyed it. In fact, the judges became tense, the advocates became tense, my own advocate became nervous about what I was saying, what I was doing. The whole court was full of tension. I could not understand what was the matter – I should have been tense, why were they in such anxiety? The case was against me, I was ready to face it, because I didn’t see there was any crime….
There was one church which had been closed for many years, because when the British rule ended in India, all the foreigners moved out. Because that church was specially for the British people, and all the British had moved out. The archbishop of England – thousands of miles away – was the owner of that church in Jabalpur.
I had a few Christian friends. I said to them, “This beautiful church always remains closed.”