But you are so afraid of being empty that you don’t look at it. You make every effort to avoid it. You will listen to the radio, you will go to see the movie, you will look at the TV, you will read the newspaper, the detective story, something – but you will be continuously avoiding your inner emptiness. When tired you will fall asleep and you will dream, but you never face it, you never hold it close to you, you never hug it. That’s the reason.
You ask, “Why do I feel fear when somebody comes close to me?” It is a great insight that has happened to you. Everybody feels fear when somebody comes very close to you, but very few people are aware of it.
Closeness is not liked. You allow people closeness only very conditionally – she is your wife, then you allow her to sleep in your bed, to be with you in the night. But still you keep an invisible wall between you and the wife. The wall is invisible, but it is there. If you want to see it, observe it, you will find it – a very transparent wall, a glass wall, but it is there. You remain private to yourself, your wife remains private to herself; your privacies never meet. You have your secrets, she has her secrets. You are not really open and available to each other.
Even in love you don’t allow the other to really come into you, you don’t allow the other to penetrate you. And remember, if you allow the other to penetrate you there is great bliss. When two lovers’ bodies penetrate each other there is a physical orgasm, when two minds penetrate each other there is a psychological orgasm, and when two spirits penetrate each other there is a spiritual orgasm.
You may not have even heard about the other two. Even the first is a rarity. Very few people attain to the real physical orgasm, they have forgotten about it. They think that ejaculation is orgasm. So many men believe that they have orgasm and, because women don’t ejaculate, not at least visibly, eighty percent of women think that they don’t have any orgasm. But ejaculation is not orgasm. It is a very local release, a sexual release – it is not orgasm. A release is a negative phenomenon – you simply lose energy – and orgasm is a totally different thing. It is a dance of energy, not a release. It is an ecstatic state of energy. The energy becomes a flow. And it is all over the body; it is not sexual, it is physical. Each cell and each fiber of your body throbs with new joy. It is rejuvenated, and great peace follows it.
But people don’t even know physical orgasm, so what to say about, how to talk about the psychological orgasm? When you allow somebody to come very close to you – a friend, a beloved, a son, a father, a master, it does not matter what kind of relationship – when you allow somebody so close that your minds start overlapping, penetrating, then there is something so beyond the physical orgasm that it is a jump. The physical orgasm was beautiful, but nothing compared to the psychological orgasm. Once you have known the psychological orgasm, physical orgasm by and by loses all attraction. It is a very poor substitute.