No, no, don’t try to change it. Let it happen, and don’t feel bad. Silence is good, but jumping and laughing and joking is good too. They enrich each other. If you cannot laugh and joke, your silence will be poorer for it. If you cannot be silent, then your laughter will just be superficial. So nothing is wrong in it. Don’t create any problems. Move easily from laughing to silence, from silence to laughing. Whatsoever happens, allow it. When you feel like jumping, jump. And when you feel like just sitting and not doing anything – then just sit. Good.
I don’t know why I can’t improve. Maybe I know, but it’s not very nice – such a lack of confidence towards myself. I don’t know(there is always a part of me that is against the other – always! I’m so fed up.
Not really(otherwise there would be no problem!
But why does it keep on going?
Because you are not yet fed up. If you are really fed up, then nothing is needed; just being fed up is enough. If you are really fed up you drop it; there is nothing else to it! Even the effort to drop shows that you still want to cling. One goes on talking about change, but one doesn’t really want to change.
It’s funny, because I remember about myself that I was quite a wise person – many years ago. I don’t remember when I became like this. I mean, what sort of choice did I make to become such a masochistic being?
By and by, slowly, one chooses. It is not a jump, but something very slow, so you never really understand what you are choosing. By and by, one goes on choosing, and choosing wrongly, and then it accumulates one day. You see, one day, that you have chosen a wrong path, and now you have traveled on it for so long it has become almost habitual.
But one can go back; there is no problem in it. The only problem is that you have to be really fed up, and I don’t think that is the case. You are still enjoying it.
I’ve learned how to find gratification in it through a cowardly attitude. But I wasn’t always a coward. When I remember back(.
Your remembrance cannot be relied on. That again may be a trick, because whatsoever you remember is always a choice; you never remember the whole. You remember only beautiful things about yourself, and you drop the ugly things. That’s why everybody thinks that in childhood he was almost divine. You remember only happy moments, and those too, you go on magnifying.