Over the past twelve years since I met you, as flowers of joy and meditation have opened in my heart, I’ve also been aware of a dark shadow waiting by the side, ready to strangle my growth, and imprison me in it’s cold grip. Sometimes it has been only half-seen, sometimes almost absent. Now, in the last month, it has leaped with colossal force to the front of my consciousness and revealed itself as my jealousy and resentment. I am so jealous and resentful of the people around me whom I see as close to you and more privileged than me. I feel like I’m drowning in this darkness. If I can keep it back in the day, it comes in the night. Please, Osho, kick me out of this space. My own light feels so small and helpless.
The shadow is your old personality. It happens to almost all meditators: a point comes when you have to depart from your personality and recover your individuality, your authentic being.
But associations are very old. The personality may have been there for many, many lives. And to have a divorce from the personality…the personality feels hurt, and for a time it follows you in the hope that you will again get identified with it.
But it is only a shadow. It cannot strangle you; it can only give you threats. So don’t be taken in by its threats – tell it to strangle you!
Neither can it drown you, but it is making a last effort before it will disappear completely. Up to now it was trying mildly; now it is becoming more and more terrible. It is coming in front of you and giving some meaning to itself. It is creating feelings of jealousy and resentment, which are absolutely absurd.
Here, nobody is closer to me than anybody else. There is no question of jealousy, resentment – against who?
I will read your question: “Over the past twelve years since I met you, as flowers of joy and meditation have opened in my heart…”
This shadow comes only when there is a fear of its being dropped. The non-meditator never feels it. The non-meditator is totally identified with it; he thinks he is it. It is only because meditation has opened your heart and flowers of joy have blossomed in your being, that the personality is feeling immensely afraid. The time of its death is very close, and it will struggle for survival. Even shadows try to survive.
And it has been with you for so long that it makes you feel guilty: now that you are being happy and joyous and meditative, you are leaving her! And when you were in misery, in anguish, in anxiety, you used her – naturally there is anger, resentment, jealousy.
Those are the old strategies of the ego. They used to work in the past, but now that flowers of meditation have blossomed in your heart, those old strategies cannot work.
“I have also been aware of a dark shadow waiting by the side….” It is no one other than your discarded falseness, your discarded hypocrisy, your discarded past identity. “…ready to strangle my growth and imprison me in its cold grip. Sometimes it has been only half-seen, sometimes almost absent. Now in the last month it has leaped with colossal force to the front of my consciousness and revealed itself as my jealousy and resentment. I am so jealous and resentful of the people around me whom I see as close to you and more privileged than me.”