The goal is in front of you. You are standing at the door, but somehow you cannot even knock on the door. It is there, waiting, not only waiting, welcoming, but somehow you are paralyzed. There is some invisible circle around the other person which you cannot cross, and at that moment you will become aware that the same circle is around you. The circles, when they come close, touch each other, but only at the circumference of the circles. More than that is not possible. To turn back from the doors of paradise is hell. There is no other hell.
The stubborn reality of the other, that it is going to remain other, becomes your failure, becomes the other person’s failure too. And you cannot remain stuck at that point. Try to understand: in existence, in life, nothing remains static; either you go forward or you move away. Forward you cannot move – the invisible wall hits your head and there is no way – and nothing remains static, you start moving away…and the painful memory of failure, the painful memory of reaching so close and yet losing it….
The nearest you can come is in love, but love becomes anguish; ultimately love becomes anguish. Hence, blessed are those who have never loved, because they will never know that the other is the hell. To protect you from this experience all societies have tried, in some way or other, to prevent love happening – marriage is good. And of course, living with somebody for years, you start having a certain companionship, a certain need for the other; the other becomes a habit.
If your wife goes away for a few days, you are at a loss. You wanted her to go for a few days at least, and when she goes then you are at a loss. You cannot find where your shoes are, you cannot find anything you want in your own house. Suddenly the wife is missed – and you think it is because of love? No, she had become a habit to you, she had taken every care in her hands; without her you are at a loss as to what to do. Even fighting with her had become a routine part of your life. Now there is nobody to fight in the house. You go from one room to another – even the fight is missed. You come home late, nobody quarrels…you just go to your bed. And the quarrel every night has become such a routine part of you that you cannot fall asleep without it. It is just like a teddy bear.
I sleep with three pillows: one on each side and one under my head. While I was traveling in India I had to carry all three pillows, and I use very big pillows, perhaps the biggest size, so one very big suitcase was just for the three pillows. Whenever I used to stay with somebody, and he would open my suitcases and in one suitcase – and it was a big suitcase, the biggest suitcase available – only three pillows! He would say, “What! This big suitcase and you are carrying just three pillows…?”
I would say, “I cannot sleep without those two. Those two are absolutely part of my sleep. If somebody takes one of my pillows, then it is difficult for me to sleep. I will miss it the whole night.”