Osho had dropped his body. When he arrived at the entrance to Heaven, St. Peter was waiting to usher him to a special tribunal which had been set up to indict him on charges of sacrilege, hearsay, libel, slander, defamation of character, and obstruction of saints and masters in the performance of their work.
“Listen,” whined Jesus in a nasal Jewish voice, “this goy told the whole world that I was a four-foot hunchback with a st…stut…stutt…stutter. And he made uu…uu…up di…dirty jokes about Mmm…Mother and the Holy Gggh…Ghost. And now nobody can take me seriously anymore!”
“That’s nothing!” shouted Mahavira in his thick Bihar accent. “He said that I was squatting to shit when I became enlightened, and that I was a sadomasochist, covered in lice and dirt, and had the foulest breath in the whole of India!”
Buddha, remembering to stay upwind of the Jaina tirthankara, butted in quickly. “This…this…this crazy bloke had the impudence to say that he was putting my wheel of dharma in motion again. Just when it was gaining speed in America and Europe, this Osho comes along and sticks a spoke in my wheel, stops it, puts it into reverse and then says that he is carrying on my work!”
Adi Shankara, speaking for endless rows of rishis, paramahansas and yogis, approached the witness stand next: “For countless ages the saffron robe of the sannyasin, his austerity and chastity, his poverty and his renunciation of the world were universally respected. Then this charlatan destroyed all that in seven years. Now they are driving around on motor bikes, smoking and drinking, womanizing and having fun! They call it meditation. And they call themselves by the most outrageous names: Veet Pete, Sachchakhanda, Wolfgangananda. This Osho has made a mockery of our religion.”
The Holy Ghost was called to the witness stand. Of course, since he was not a person, only a presence, he could not speak. But he made his presence felt by loud thunderclaps and earthquakes. “It is clear from this,” said St. Peter, “that the Holy Ghost is really pissed off with the accused.”
Mother Teresa was the last witness to appear for the prosecution. “I have only this to say: I spent my life trying to help poor helpless cripples like that man there.” she said, pointing to Jesus, whom she did not recognize. “This Osho mocked my efforts. I say he must be given the Ignoble Prize for all his many sins. I speak on behalf of Jesus Christ and the Polack Pope!”
The judge, God himself, asked Osho if he had anything to say in his own defense.
“Perhaps a few jokes…” said Osho.
“I see you are beyond redemption,” said God, a certain malicious glee now creeping into his face and his voice. “I hereby banish you from heaven for all eternity and cast you into the seventh hell!”
“Thank God!” cried Osho joyfully. “For one dreadful moment I thought you were going to tell me to stay here. Now I can be with my people again!”