She is relaxing. By and by she will disappear. Use that opportunity! Be by her side. Sit silently. Meditate. Let her death become a pointer to you, so that you don’t go on wasting your life. The same is going to happen to you.
Reaching the Source: the ninth sutra:
Too many steps have been taken
returning to the root and the source.
Better to have been blind and deaf from the beginning!
Dwelling in one's true abode, unconcerned with that without –
the river flows tranquilly on and the flowers are red.
Too many steps have been taken…. In fact, there was no need to take so many steps. But this is realized only when you have come to the ninth point. When you reach home you will realize that this was possible in a single step. There was no need to take so many steps, there was no need to move so gradually, in degrees. A jump was possible.
People come to me and I tell them to take the jump. They say, “But I will have to think.” How can you think for a jump? And if you think and you come to a decision by thinking, how is it going to be called a jump then?
A jump is a jump into the unknown – unthought, uncontemplated, unplanned. A jump cannot be planned. You cannot prepare for it, you cannot think about pros and cons. You cannot be the decider. A jump is going out of the ego – doing something which has not been decided by the ego. A jump is allowing the whole to take possession of you. A jump is discontinuous with you; it is not a continuity. If you think and then you come to a decision, it is a continuity. You may take sannyas then, but this will be the first step in a long series.
The sannyas that I was hoping for you was a single step. In one step you would have arrived home – but you wanted to think. I can understand your problem also: how can you take something without thinking? How can you be so trusting? A jump needs trust. You cannot trust. You doubt; you have been trained for doubt. You have been trained to think about all the possibilities before you decide. You have been trained to always remain in control.
You can take sannyas as a conclusion of your own thinking; then it is a continuity. The sannyas I was going to give you was more like death, or love. You cannot think about love – it happens. That’s why we have the expression in every language: falling in love. It is a fall – a fall from the ego, a fall from the head, a fall from control, a fall from continuity.
Yes, it is a fall. You are no more a part of your thinking, your continuity. Suddenly a gap appears. Or it is like death; you cannot do anything about it. It comes, it possesses you – it is not your decision. But one day when you come nearer and nearer home, when your home is just in front of you, then you will realize: