I told her, “Sheela, asking it again and again means there is a tendency, of which you are aware, that you can betray, you can deceive. Otherwise, what is the point of asking it?”
And finally she did. And the reason why she did is worth understanding for everybody.
When I was silent for three and a half years, she was the spokesman. I knew that this is going to be a difficult task the day I start speaking directly, because then she will see she is no more a celebrity; no interviews on the television, radio, newspapers, magazines.
But I had to speak. Just for one person I cannot hold back from one million sannyasins, and for the sannyasins who will be coming later on, my heartfelt feelings, truths, experiences. And there is too much to say.
As you get prepared only then I can say it. Those three and a half years prepared you, and now you can see the difference between the way I am speaking now and the way I was speaking three and a half years before. As you mature, as you graduate, I can tell you more naked truths, trusting that you will be able to understand them.
So the problem was, I knew that if I start speaking, then Sheela’s swollen head will start shrinking, and that will be difficult. I was perfectly aware the day I started speaking, she started becoming sad; and slowly slowly she started being away from Rajneeshpuram, finding excuses that she is needed in Australia, she is needed in Europe. She was never needed before.
And this time when she came, she wrote a letter to me, “Osho, I do not feel the same excitement here. I feel happier in Europe, in Australia, anywhere else.” But she did not look why.
I sent a message to her that, “See the point. Where has the excitement gone? The excitement was not being with me, with the commune, creating a new way of life, hoping for a new man to arrive. That was not your real excitement. Your real excitement was becoming a celebrity – on the television, on the radio, in the magazines, in the newspapers. You enjoyed your name, your photograph; now this will not be possible. I am speaking myself. I am speaking to the whole world press. And certainly you cannot represent me.”
I had to teach her everything for three and a half years, two hours every day – what she has to say, what she has not to say. And she was repeating like a parrot, because it is not her experience. But she did well; as a parrot she was perfect.
But now, when I started speaking, she started feeling sad, gloomy. I sent the message, “You should look at the cause of it. The cause is your ego.
“Three and a half years is a long enough time to get a swollen head, and I am now bringing it back to its real position. It is sick. This swelling is more dangerous than any cancer, because the cancer can kill the body, but this swelling kills the mind and the very soul of man.