So a moment will come, you will grow and you will feel you are getting more ugly, because now you start seeing yourself rightly. Up to now you were seeing ugliness in others, now you have started to watch yourself. You have been seeing mistakes, ugliness, wrong things, in others, now you start to see them in yourself. For the first time you start mirroring your own being. Everything seems to be topsy-turvy, chaos – afraid, you can escape, and put your face on again. Go to the market, hide behind the mask, and forget about the meditation.
But if you are really in search, this is a good sign, a beautiful indication, that something is happening. Continue. Soon this ugliness will also disappear, because that ugliness belongs to your mind. That beauty that you are thinking was there never belonged to you, it was just a mask. It has to be taken away. Now you come face to face with the mind.
If you go on, sooner or later the mind will also fall – that too is a mask. Then you will come face to face with your being. And that’s tremendously beautiful. In fact that is the only beauty there is.
When one comes face to face with his own being it is as if two mirrors are facing each other. When two mirrors face each other, what happens, do you know? They reflect eternity. Infinite vastness. When you come to yourself, you mirror yourself. Eternity is reflected. That is the glory of God. You have come to the God.
In the Upanishads, those who have known, they have said – at this moment: aham brahmasmi: I am the absolute. That is the goal.
But to reach that goal you will have to pass through an interim period where everything will become a chaos. You will always be like a mad maniac. That has to be passed.
Before you become absolutely normal you will feel that you have become absolutely abnormal. Because that which you call normality today is nothing but a social face.
Society has to be dropped. Then you have to drop your past samskaras, past conditionings of the mind. Then only you come to the purest source, the very source, the very ground of being. We call that ground of being “God.” God is not a person. God is an experience of absolute virgin purity, innocence – and that is hidden behind you.
So don’t be afraid of ugliness if you feel it now, it is a good sign – feel happy about it. You are growing. It shows growth. You are on the right track. Rivers will not be rivers, mountains will not be mountains. Again: rivers will be rivers, mountains will be mountains.
That’s why Buddha moves to the forest, Mahavira goes to the mountains, Jesus and Mohammed, they retire into the mountains – to face their ugliness.
But once that ugliness has disappeared, the illness gone, the leprosy evaporated, they come back into the marketplace, they come back again into the world beautiful; supremely beautiful.
You will also come back. But this passage has to be passed. This much cost has to be paid.
Enough for today.