You say you used to wake up every morning “…with a smile and deep happiness that I had found you. Osho, I am still smiling, and the happiness to be with you has deepened even more – it is just that the mornings are a bit different.”
Because your joyfulness, your blissfulness has deepened, because your meditation is going perfectly well, that’s why in the morning when you wake up there is a fear of death. It is not a bad sign. It is tremendously important for you to understand that it is absolutely beautiful.
Why does it happen? – because meditation and death are almost synonymous. On the one hand, meditation brings you the realization of your being, on the other hand it kills your ego – and you have been attached, identified with the ego, not with the being. So the first experiences of deepening meditation feel like you are dying.
And why only in the morning? – because as meditation deepens your sleep deepens. Your sleep becomes more silent, thoughtless; a tremendous serenity. While you are doing meditation with effort, the very effort does not allow it to go deeper, but once you have tasted something of meditation your sleep automatically moves in the direction of meditation. It is so delicious that when there is nothing to do you are relaxed, your consciousness starts slipping into deeper layers of meditation.
In the morning when you wake up a fear arises of death – because meditation is death of the ego. But the death of the ego is the beginning of your authentic life. Once this is understood, slowly, slowly the fear of death will disappear.
Secondly, your being a woman, the fear of death is deeper than it is in man. These are the uniquenesses and differences between man and woman. The woman wants to remain always young, particularly the modern woman. Once she is thirty-five, to reach thirty-six takes almost six years! She does not want to grow older, because she knows unconsciously that every growth is going to end up in death. Particularly for a woman her youth is her life. And the modern stupidity has given it more emphasis – that a woman’s life is just while she is young; the moment she is old, she is a used cartridge, she is of no use.
A young couple was sitting on the beach on a full-moon night and the woman as usual was insisting to get married….
A young couple was sitting on the beach on a full-moon night and the woman as usual was insisting on getting married….
Why are women so insistent on getting married? – because they know unconsciously that this beauty, this youth is very momentary, and after it is gone it will be very difficult to find anyone to be married to. It is even difficult when you are young and beautiful to get someone intelligent to marry you.
The man looked at the woman and he said, “I will marry you, sweetheart, just wait.”