Mind is a gramophone record. So when you feel something coming from the beyond you can immediately recognize it, because you have never heard it before, you have never learned about it, you have never read about it; it is just absolutely from the unknown. Only then does a Quaker stand up and allow the unknown to be shared. And many times it happens that their meeting will end up without anybody speaking, because nobody can speak from outside the mind – that is the ugliest sin according to the Quakers, because your mind speaks only what is borrowed.
Put the mind aside…but that is risky, because one does not know where one is going and what one is going to say. But this spontaneity makes your intelligence such a joy, such a sharp sword that it cuts all that is rubbish and brings you fresh experiences, introduces you to new mysteries. There is no need of any conflict.
You are creating your trouble yourself. You are saying, “I tell myself just to be authentic and then I get really confused.” You are bound to get really confused. “Meditation takes away the immediate tension but I have found no way to get to the root of the problem.” You will never get to the root of the problem, because the problem is very superficial, it has no roots.
In India we have a creeper which goes from one tree to another tree; it has no roots anywhere. It is a parasite. It simply digs into the tree and sucks the juice of the tree and goes on moving and spreading. Sometimes you will find it spreading on hundreds of trees, just a single creeper. But if you try to find its roots, you will never find them anywhere – there are none. It exists as a parasite, without any roots. Your many problems are just like that.
Its name is very beautiful; its name is amarbel: a creeper of immortality. It has no roots, so you cannot kill it. You can take it away from the trees and throw it anywhere, and it will again somehow get attached to something and will start growing again. It is a very dangerous creeper because it kills the trees. It does not allow them to blossom, it takes all their juice. It does not allow them to come to fruition. But it itself has no roots.
You are creating more confusion and more trouble for yourself if you want to find out the root of the problem.
You say, “Meditation takes away the immediate tension.” Then your meditation is not real meditation. At the most it may be a little relaxation; that’s why it takes away your immediate tension. If it is meditation it takes away your tension forever. That is the very definition of meditation: not only the tension is taken away, it takes away your very mind which is the root cause of all the tensions. Not only one tension, but all possibilities of ever being tense – meditation simply takes all that away and gives you an open and clear sky for your intelligence to grow…as much space as you want.
So learn rightly how to meditate. Relaxation is good, but it is only a beginning; it just prepares the ground for meditation. But meditation is a totally different affair. You have to become aware of your mind stuff. Whatever goes on in your mind you have to become a watcher, and the watcher has to be so deep-rooted that slowly, slowly your mind disappears and only the watcher remains. Then all possibilities of tension, anxiety, anguish, disappear and you will not find even the conflict.