A few days ago I was feeling full of energy and a lot of love for myself.
The opportunity arose for me to let myself face my number one devil: jealousy. I went for it wholeheartedly, and the result was to send myself even higher: I felt euphoric and so grateful.
I am still left with an almost uncontainable energy which seems composed of sensuality and of lovingness.
If I go into it, I risk hurting other people; but the alternative seems a compromise. Sitting and watching it drives me bananas!
Osho, my main question is: what is it that I have learned from this experience, and how to use this so as not to be taken over again by jealousy? How to enjoy the freedom to express sensuality without compromising, getting frustrated or slipping on the banana?
It has been a very meaningful experience for you, one of the key experiences which can help one to change one’s energy totally.
George Gurdjieff used to find the first thing in his disciples – the characteristic that was their number one enemy because their number one enemy contains the key which either can destroy them if they don’t understand it or can bring a transformation.
You faced jealousy. Jealousy is one of the most dangerous elements in human consciousness, particularly in the female mind. To face your number one enemy without hiding it, without whitewashing it, without trying to interpret it favorably – that you are right, the situation is such that of course you have to be jealous – without in any way satisfying yourself by explanations that the jealousy was right.
If you satisfy yourself that it is right, it is going to remain and it will become more powerful; then the energy that you are feeling now, you would not feel, this energy would have been absorbed by jealousy, it would have remained contained in jealousy, and would have remained looking for a moment when it could explode – to find some excuse. But because you faced it without bringing any explanation to explain it away…you did not justify it, you simply faced it as a fact, that you have this jealousy…and you accepted it, that it has something to do with you, not with anyone else, that nobody else in the whole world is responsible for it.
All those are excuses to protect it.
You did a good job, and the result is that just being watchful the jealousy disappeared.
And that’s what I have been telling you continually for years, that nothing has to be done; simply face a problem the way a mirror reflects something, with no judgment.
And because it was your number one enemy, it contained a lot of energy. Now it is gone, and the energy is free. That’s why you are feeling more alive, more loving, more sensuous.