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OSHO Times The Other: Myself Nice Is Not Enough

Nice Is Not Enough

I can’t communicate with my sister. I feel she has some jealousy towards me, which I can’t understand.

There may be many hidden things involved. Some childhood jealousies are bound to be there. You repressed them, she repressed them, because we are taught to be nice to each other, and that is one of the most dangerous things. We are taught that one has to be nice to one’s sister, to one’s brother. The emotions are repressed and one is not honest with emotions.

Now that you are meditating, those emotions will bubble up and they will bubble up in her also. So you will have to pass through a period in your childhood that you missed. But there is nothing to be worried about. It is natural, because all that is repressed and inhibited will start being expressed. So you will lose communication.

In fact, it never existed. Just being polite is not communication. Just being nice is not enough for communication because if you are repressing something, communication is superficial, just verbal. You are simply making empty gestures, just meaningless motions. You can say ‘hello’ to a person without saying ‘hello’. You can smile towards a person without smiling at all. You can talk and be pleasant, as one is expected to be, without being pleasant at all. This whole gesture may be a deep avoidance. Your politeness, your niceness, your goodness, may be just an armour because you are afraid that if you become true, the emotions that have been repressed will bubble up. And the other person is also trying to be nice. She is as afraid as you.

So it can appear that there is communication but there is not. If there were, then meditation would have made it even deeper. If there were any communication, meditation would have made it a communion, something deeper than communication. But if it is not there, meditation would make you aware of it.

That which is not can be taken away. That which is not is always taken away by meditation because it is false, and meditation is an effort to be true, authentic. That which is, is always enhanced by meditation. That which is not, is always taken away. That is the meaning of Jesus’ saying, ‘Those who have will be given more, and those who don’t have, even that will be taken away.’

So, in effect, it is better because now you are becoming aware of a reality that you have avoided your whole life. Brothers, sisters, only appear to be nice to each other. Otherwise they are enemies because they are the first competitors.

In a small house, when the first child is born, he is the whole and sole. Then comes the next child. He starts competing; competition is natural. This child wants more attention and the first child feels offended by the presence of this child. He feels as if his monopoly is broken. And it is natural that the mother may pay more attention to the new child; the new child needs more. Then jealousies will arise.

When there are many children in a house, it is bound to be that one child will get more attention than others. There is going to be a hierarchy; that’s how the mind functions. The mother may love one child more, the other a little less. There are pets, because the mother is also human. You cannot expect that she should love absolutely equally; that is not possible. She may pretend. She pretends hard, but children are very perceptive They can immediately see that somebody is liked more, somebody is liked less and that this pretension is just bogus.

Then an inner conflict, fight, ambition arises. Each child is different. Somebody is very talented, somebody is not. Somebody has a musical talent, somebody has not. Somebody has a mathematical talent and somebody has not. Somebody is physically more beautiful than the other or one has a certain charm of personality and the other is lacking in it. Then problems arise more and more, and we are taught to be nice, never to be true.

If children are taught to be true, they will fight it out and they will drop it by fighting. They will be angry, they will fight and say hard things to the other and then they will be finished, because children get rid of things very easily. If they are angry, they will be angry, hot, almost volcanic, but next moment they are holding each other’s hands and everything is forgotten. They are very simple, but they are not allowed that simplicity. They are told to be nice, whatsoever the cost. They are prohibited from being angry with each other: ‘She is your sister, he is your brother. How can you be angry?’

Those angers, jealousies and a thousand and one wounds, scars, go on collecting. One day later in your life, if you come across something like meditation, then they will all bubble up. That’s what’s happening. So this time, please don’t repress them again. Now face the situation this time. If you are angry, if she is angry, then be angry. Fight it out. Finish it! Say things that you always wanted to say and have not said, and she should say things she always wanted to say and did not because both of you were playing the game of being nice. Drop that nonsense and immediately you will see: if you can face each other in true anger, jealousy, if you can fight it out – immediately after it, in the wake of it, a deep love and compassion will arise. And that will be the real thing. Then communication will be possible.

So this is a great opportunity. It looks difficult, but if you can face it, something of tremendous value will happen to you. Once you are at ease with your sister, something like a block will drop from your chest. That will help you to be more communicative with others also because your whole communication is blocked. It will help you in all directions: with your friends, with your lover, with parents, with the whole society. You will start feeling different. You are carrying something, she is carrying something. Now be courageous and face it. Talk it over with her.

And don’t be dishonest. Bring the whole thing out. Pour out your whole unconscious and tell her, request her to also pour out hers. And this can be done only when you are hot. It can never be done when you are cold. When you are heated and boiling, things come out. When you are cold, they freeze, they cannot flow. When you are hot, you become liquid. When you are cold, they become solid.

So what I am telling to you, tell her and have a good encounter with her. You and she will both be unburdened and both will be benefited. This time, let truth be the goal...not etiquette, not formality. Just open your heart and let her also open her heart. And after it, as if a storm has passed, a great silence arises and that silence will make you communicative. Even communion is possible.

It will happen...just have a little courage.

Osho, A Rose is a Rose is a Rose, Talk #3
(This title is no longer available at Osho’s request)